Most of us know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of communication that frustrates or stings — patronising emails, passive-aggressive comments, or just plain rudeness. My instinctive reaction? Flare up. I’m direct by nature and have little tolerance for anything that feels lacking in honesty or integrity. I’ve had to learn (and keep learning) that not every moment is the right one to call something out — even when it feels like it might be.
The worst-case scenario? The breakdown of trust and the erosion of a relationship. One tool I’ve found helpful is Transactional Analysis (TA) — a psychological framework that explores how we communicate through three internal “ego states”: Parent, Adult, and Child. Healthy communication usually happens Adult to Adult. But when someone speaks from a Parent state (controlling, critical), it can trigger a Child response (defensive, resistant), and suddenly, the exchange is no longer balanced.
I use TA to help me pause and reset. Before I respond, I check in with myself:
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Am I reacting from emotion or reason?
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What story am I telling myself about this person’s motives?
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Is there a more generous way to interpret their words?
Chair Work, a coaching technique adapted from therapy, can also help — by imagining yourself in the other person’s seat and seeing the situation from their point of view. It’s not about tolerating poor behaviour, but about assuming that someone might be doing their best… even if it doesn’t land well.
These days, I try to respond with curiosity instead of indignation. I give things a night’s sleep. I ask: What might they be missing? What might they need from me?
It’s not easy. But it helps.
And when it comes to conflict resolution or negotiation, one final reflection: no one should walk away feeling like they lost everything. If you’ve ‘won’ but left a relationship in tatters, it’s a hollow victory. Leaving the door open — even just a crack — often leads to stronger, more respectful partnerships in the long run.
